I used to get really bad anxiety attacks. When the attacks first began, they gradually pulled me away from my responsibilities in this world. Leaving work early because of the attacks eventually turned into not showing up to work at all, and I also eventually dropped out of school. It got so bad to the point where I did not leave my bedroom for 3 months, I was stuck.
If you have never had an anxiety attack, you might be wondering what it feels like and what would make an attack so bad that it would completely stun your life. The best way to describe the feeling is that when an attack comes, you get the same feeling you get when you are falling and you panic for a split second, only the feeling last anywhere from 20-30 minutes while having an attack, and they come for absolutely no reason at all.
After getting an attack, you also have a tendency to avoid places you had previously had an attack because you believe another will come if you go back to what you now consider an 'unsafe zone'.
They were terrible times, but I am grateful for them because God used it to get my attention, and to also magnify the Scripture 'When I am weak, then I am strong' in my life.
Many who knew me before these attacks, knew that I lacked goals and passion in my life. I was boring and did not have vision. Many who know me now know that in the midst of these attacks Jesus reached out to me and I responded. The encounter was so intense that it had injected such a passion in me for Him. I can't think to live my life any other way than to live for Him because of the intensity of the moment I met Him. He slowly got me out of the bedroom that I was stuck in and although I was experiencing anxiety attacks occasionally, I knew He was with me and would be faithful to comfort me. I eventually began to take trips to different states, all the while leaning on Him as He assured me that He was there when fear fell upon me.
Coming to and serving Jesus though, did not come without it's challenges, especially when I started getting involved in ministry.
After I was laid off from my job I headed straight to my church in Downey California to speak to one of the pastors for counsel. I let him know of all the concerns I had about losing a job. He had asked me what I believed God was calling me to do, I had let him know that I believe that I was called to be a Pastor. He let me know that I ought to start small, and asked me to join the kids ministry at the church. I was hesitant, nervous, and took the time to pray and think about it. I was so worried that the kids would not like me, but even more worried that I would not be able to last 2 hours in a classroom without getting an anxiety attack.
Eventually, I signed up and was invited to help in the 1st grade class. When I started helping out, I would have to step out every few minutes for air because I felt the attacks coming. I couldn't breath and I was terrified.
Before you know it though, I had stumbled into having my own class to teach. I would get anxiety attacks during every class, every week. I would have the kids ministry office phone number on hand to call someone over during an attack so that I could step out. I would show up late every week because I was having an attack, and I would call out often and sometimes just not show up because of the attacks. It was a downer for sure, and I was so disappointed in myself for feeling so much that I let down the kids ministry.
God again though, was faithful and met me where I was. God had reminded me somewhere along the way of the intense love He had for me and the kids that I served weekly in my class. He let me know that if I did not love the kids the way He loves these kids, then I could not minister to them. At this point I had to make a choice, love them and be there for them, or love me and worry of my own needs?
I decided on loving them the way Christ loves them, and it made all the difference in the world. I fell in love not only with these kids, but with people in general, and the more I served them and loved them the less the anxiety attacks came.
Fear tried to overtake me and stun me, but in end His love won. I guess the reason why I write this blog is to let you know that God truly does part the Red Sea. He makes the impossible possible. I believed with all my heart that I would be stuck in a room for the rest of my life, fearing going to work or getting married one day. But He made it all happen, He made it all work.
Do you feel stuck? Do you feel discouraged? Let me tell you that God is good, and I don't say He is good because I have been told that, but because He has shown me Himself. He will heal you, He will give you passion, and He will love you so much that His love will overflow to others. Just believe.
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